“Absolute Sovereignty in Your Nether Regions”: An OkCupid Message Contest

This came up in a search for "online dating."

In the spirit of Gawker’s most annoying online-dating break-up email, I bring you two examples of this week’s most ridiculous online-dating pick-up messages:

I received this note, which I have printed verbatim:

If you willing spend time running with me and stretch after for hours. I am in to on getting to know you at this time. Also, not pushy on having sex but more willing on getting to know me as a human being and what I represent. Help me to help you to for fill your self as a human and it goes the same for me as well. If you feel what I just stayed, let me know and if you think I am crazy…
Good luck, XXXX

I thought I would win the best message of the day contest (which doesn’t really exist), until I sent it to another online dating friend and she promptly left me in the dust:

I came across your profile and was wondering if you accept an engagement of witty banter between two intellectuals. Of course this engagement may start off as purely platonic, but my sensual desires will most likely guide our cohesive unity down more erotic, lascivious, and sexual paths that will include but not limited to rump pounding, sperm warfare, sexual acts involving food, and an abundance of new unchartered sexual positions where I assert my pure dominance in establishing a realm of absolute sovereignty in your nether regions. I look forward to hearing for from you. :) Don’t keep me waiting babe.

My friend’s response: Does that ever work?

Dude: I guess not on you.

She wins. Can you rival it?

Related Post: This batshit crazy text from an now ex-friend rivals the OkCupid messages….

Related Post: Speaking of looking for love online, I wrote a whole piece about what we lose when we miss the face-to-face

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5 Comments

Filed under Gender, Sex

5 responses to ““Absolute Sovereignty in Your Nether Regions”: An OkCupid Message Contest

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