I got a great comment last year from a male reader about how I was putting too much emphasis on the male orgasm as the symbol of a successful sexual outing. I was using it to illustrate why hook ups with strangers might be more satisfying for men then women, which might be one (of many) reasons that women don’t pursue casual sex as much they could.
“I get your point that, for random hookups, men are more likely to ‘get off’ than women. That doesn’t take into account the fact that, for men, orgasm isn’t the only marker of a quality sexual experience, probably because it’s so easy to achieve. And honestly, myself and other men I know have come early in unsatisfying sexual experiences just to get it over with.”
I saw that Claire Dederer at the Atlantic fell into a similar trap recently when she wrote about the complexity and “messiness” of female desire. While I definitely don’t dispute the mess, I’ve come around to disputing the claim that it’s messy only for women. Messy in different ways, perhaps, but I think we do dudes a disservice if we reduce their sexual satisfaction to the act of orgasm. More on that at Role/Reboot.
Related Post: That time I reviewed hookup app Bang with Friends
Related Post: “Women can get sex anytime they want!” and other things people say
Do feelings make sex better? Yes.*
*Yes, for me. How the hell do I know what makes sex good for you?
*Yes, but which feelings?
*Yes, but it’s a matter of degrees.
*No? Oh my bad, friend, sorry for making assumptions.
With the help of Facebook contributors and all you lovelies who emailed me with essays about your sexual hang-ups (thanks for that!) I wrote about the venn diagram of good sex and feelings this week at Role/Reboot. Sorry-not-sorry Mom and Dad!
Related Post: How to choose porn with a partner that is not heinously misogynist and embarassing
On the internet, I get a lot of pushback when I write about sex and gender from guys who say things like “It’s not fair, women can have sex whenever they want!”, “Women are the gatekeepers,” “You don’t have to work for it,” etc. If it were only dudes on the internet that spouted this rhetoric, I’d write them off as idiot trolls.
But it’s not just misogynistic commenters and entitled jerks online who think this kind of thing; I hear it from real guys too, the normal ones, the nice ones, the ones who I know to be decent humans. The thing I think they’re all missing is that finding any old someone who wants to get down doesn’t exactly guarantee any magic will happen. That’s not to say you can’t stumble on to awesome amazingtimez with a one-night stand, only that what many women want (need?) to enjoy sex isn’t what a lot of those one-night standers are offering.
Today at Role/Reboot I wrote about how “getting laid” might be easy, but “getting laid” is sometimes a pretty low, unappealing bar. It’s not hard to find someone casual who wants to get it in, it is hard to find someone casual who wants to get you going.
Related Post: A flow chart about first-date sex.
Related Post: Last week I reviewed a bootycall app.
This week for Role/Reboot I “reviewed” a new Facebook app called “Bang with Friends.” In theory, it’s a discreet way to figure out which of your friends are down to hook up with you. In practice, I found it to be a quick reminder of why you don’t sleep with your friends.
I tested it with a willing friend, just to see what happens. We indicated we were down to bang each other (literally, the button you press per friend is “Down to bang!”), which opened up a little mini-messaging conversation that went like this:
Me: Hey baby, let’s get a little more comfortable.
Me: I would never write that. That’s what this silly thing made me do.
Him: mmmm, sounds good.
If you’d like to read more about my thoughts on Bang With Friends, casual sex, secret admirers, and FWB relationships, read on:
Related Post: Sex on the first date? I made a flowchart!
Related Post: The “end” of courtship?
This is my second contribution to Sex Week at The Good Men Project, and it’s a little more personal than the sizing up piece. For “Does Size Matter,” I interviewed friends of friends and aimed for a range of opinions and experiences. This piece, “How Not to Respond When Your Partner Doesn’t Orgasm,” is different. It begins:
“You didn’t finish, did you?” he asked.
“No,” I said.
I’ve lied before.
So check it out, and feel free to send it to partners who need a little…ahem …attitudinal adjustment.
Related Post: More Good Men stuff, like how much does penis size matter, and what’s the difference between a dick and a douchebag?
Related Post: More sexy stuff, like historical pornos, and the real problem with gendered understandings of sexual desire.