Tag Archives: money

A Couple, a Cab Driver, a Pharmacist, a Banker, and Two Spanish Teachers

IMG_3343I’m back. Photos and stories, tips and tricks, will come later. First, a thank you note:

Dear Anonymous American Couple on Your Honeymoon,

When you met me, in an airport in Lima, Peru, I was clearly trying to contain my panic. I’d just landed after 10 hours in the airspace of nine countries, and I couldn’t find my wallet.  The airline claimed they didn’t have it and it wasn’t in the seatback pocket or under the cushion or in any of the obvious places. It was gone. I asked to borrow your phone, and you told me you didn’t have one, but asked me why. I shakily explained, forcing the tears out of my voice and creating a false cheerinees, a jaunty, “oh, you know how these things go” positivity. In my head, I had already resorted to sleeping in the airport. Instead, you asked me how much money I needed and handed me $100 to get me to a hostel and to find me some dinner.

Dear Marcelo the Taxi Driver,

When you picked me up at the airport, I explained to you in rather shaky high school Spanish (lots of unconjugated verbs and a tendency to repeat “entonces,” and “pues,”) that I had lost my wallet on the way here. You asked if I had called my mom, which I hadn’t. You offered your phone, insisting I call whomever I needed. “But it’s international,…” I said, and you just waved away my concerns. I reached my mother in Florida and explained the situation. She promised to figure out how to wire money across continents and assured me it would be fine. Sir, the cab fare was only $11, and had I had any more money than the kind couple had given me, I hope you know I would have tipped you better.

Dear Eleri, My New Friend and Moral Support,

Over coca tea and bread and jam in the tiny kitchen of our hostel, we started chatting. After explaining the bind I’d gotten myself into, you offered to accompany me to the bank–”for moral support,” you said–where I was going to try to secure some sort of emergency cash or limited access to my funds, anything to enable me to continue on my trip. During the walk, we talked about your work as a pharmacist, your adventures through South America, and the kind of world we both wanted to travel in. At the bank, you waited patiently with me for over an hour while I negotiated paperwork and red tape. “It would be hard to do this kind of thing alone,” you said, and you were right.

Dear Miguel, the Most Patient Banker Alive,

When I walked into your office explaining my “emergencia,” and asking for “ayuda,” you did not roll your eyes at the silly American. You did not tell me that it was Saturday morning and the bank would be closing soon. You did not tell me that on the weekend what I was asking was next to impossible. You picked up the phone and made some calls. And then more calls. And then some faxes. You filled out form after form, helped me answer security question after security question. Most importantly, you kept smiling at me and assuring me that it would all work out. You told me sometimes it can take hours, and when I told you my next flight left in less than three, you made it happen. I walked out of your office with my money safely tucked into three separate locations and the first easy breath I’d taken in 12 hours.

Dear Senoras Huff and Woodward,

You two are the most memorable Spanish teachers I had, 12 and 10 years ago, respectively. While practicing irregular verbs or memorizing airport vocabulary, it never occurred to me how essential your training might ever be. There is not a chance in hell I would have successfully walked out of that bank without the conversational Spanish I learned in your classrooms. My facility with the language is halting these days, rusty and gooey from lack of use, but man, the fundamentals are strong. There’s a particular kind of confidence that comes from knowing you can understand and make yourself understood in another tongue. It’s not a skill on which we Americans place a lot of value, but I find it infinitely easier to show a little linguistic humility than to slam my American passport on a counter and start issuing demands.

Dear Family of Mine,

You are all pretty awesome. You sent encouraging emails. You provided financial and emotional assistance. You followed up. You checked in. More than any of that, though, you imbued in me through direction and example the kind of calm in the face of calamity that allowed me to figure my way out of this particular tight spot. Mom, Dad, I have seen you both navigate emergencies with grace under fire and solve problems with charm and ingenuity. From you I learned that lesson #1 is Don’t Panic. Lesson #2 is Seriously, Don’t Panic, It Will All Be Fine. That’s a certain kind of desperate optimism that I don’t have to call on very often, but when I do, I’m glad I’ve got such an example.

Thanks a bunch, you guys, it was a GREAT trip,

Love

Emily

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Filed under Family

I’m Reading Sandberg So You Don’t Have To (But You Should)

leanYes, yes, I know, I know, Sheryl Sandberg’s book is too hip, too ubiquitous, too annoyingly in your face at every Best Seller table or airport book store “Recommended!” shelf. I, too, want to be too cool for school, want to march to the beat of my own drum, want to ignore what’s trendy in favor of what makes me a special unique snowflake.

However, sometimes the trendy thing is trendy for a reason. And sometimes, that reason is a good one. This is one of those times. You should read this book. I admit, I was skeptical. I admit, I was irritated by her perky demeanor, by her clear privilege, by her pat pieces of advice. I admit, I am a reluctant convert, but I am a convert nonetheless.

For my work book club, we are reading this book in chunks, and lucky you guys get to go along for the ride. So far, I have read the first four chapters. This is not a perfect book. It does not address every concern of every woman of every class and every situation, and that’s okay. I know it, now you know it, and most important of all, Sandberg knows it. Most of the criticism around her little personality cult is begins with “But what about women who…” (i.e. “But what about women who are working two jobs just to put food on the table?!”) This is not a book for them, and that’s okay, it’s not trying to be.

The other pushback she gets is that she puts too much emphasis on what women need to do differently, instead of on systemic and institutionalized sexism that needs to be changed. For those critics, I am just convinced they haven’t actually opened the goddamn book yet. Sandberg has her eyes wide open and she calls entrenched sexism when she sees it, which is all the time. Her point, which I agree with, is that we need a two pronged approach. Simultaneously A) Fix the broken shit (i.e. paid maternity leave like every other developed country in the worldor better yet, paid parental leave) and B) Do what we can to advocate for ourselves and our families at every turn.

But the most important thing I think Sandberg contributes to the conversation is the language to discuss the issues. We’ve added terms like “victim blaming”, “slut shaming,” “heteronormative,” “gaslighting,” etc. to the lexicon already, and these have helped us articulate what happens around us. Banging our fists in frustration has never worked. What Sandberg has done is compiled (and she gives credit where credit is due), a range of the underlying causes of the wage/work/ambition gap and distilled them into shareable, discussable, tweetable, referrable chunks.

So with no further preamble, a few of the concepts and vocabulary terms from chapters 1 through 4 that are worth sharing, discussing, tweeting, and referring to:

  • “The Social Penalty” – Men who display ambition and desire for power are rewarded professionally and personally. They are promoted more and admired more. Women who display ambition or desire for power are rewarded professionally but punished personally. They get promoted, but they are not liked. This “social penalty” is important because being respected and liked is what leads to the most success.
  • “Stereotype Threat” – When you tell people there’s a negative stereotype that applies to them, they tend to sink to it. If you remind a girl that “typically, boys are better at math,” she will actually perform worse than if you hadn’t said anything at all. If you ask kids to identify their race before a standardized test, even that small act of checking a box results in black and Latino kids performing worse if you hadn’t had them label themselves. If you tell a woman that “women are bad negotiators,” she will become a worse negotiator.
  • “The Imposter Syndrome” – Ever get to work and worry that people were realize you’ve been “faking” all along? That you’re not the expert people think you are, that you shouldn’t be in charge, that you tricked them into hiring you? Both men and women feel this way, but the difference is that women consistently underestimate their own abilities. This means we don’t apply for jobs unless we feel 100% qualified for the listed responsibilities, while men apply even when they’re only confident of 60% of the skills. The truth is, we all learn on the job, but sometimes we weed ourselves out of jobs we very likely could have done.
  • “The Gender Discount” – When you do what your gender is “supposed” to do, you don’t get credit for it. Women are “supposed” to be communal, so when we work well with others, that skill is discounted because it’s “natural.” When men work well in others, they are complimented for being a team player. Similarly, women who do coworkers a “favor” get significantly less thanks and respect then men who perform similar favors. For men, it is viewed as going the extra mile, while women are just acting like women (You know how women are, amirite?)
  • “Relentlessly Pleasant” – Given the social penalty described above, one of the most successful strategies for women to navigate work place situations (especially controversial, confrontational, or challenging ones) is to be “relentlessly pleasant.” Always be smiling, always be asking for what you want. Do not let up on either front. Take note of this one the next time you are asking for a raise or a promotion. You need to be persistant while also being liked. Good luck!
  • “Tiara Syndrome” – Women expect good work to be noticed and rewarded. They don’t want to have to ask for praise (because, as we’ve seen, being demanding or ambitious has a personal cost for women that it does not for men). While waiting for their work to be noticed, their male peers have forwarded “kudos” emails to their bosses, have asked clients to recommend them, have told their bosses about their positive reviews. You are not being judged on the quality of your work. You are being judged on the quality of the work your boss sees.

Phew, that was a lot! And only in four chapters! I want to reiterate again that Sandberg is never claiming it is “fair” that such discrepancies in perception and attitude exist, only that they do. The question then is, how to address them? For me, it will mean handing this book to my excellent (male) boss as soon as I’m finished. Any man that manages women should be reading this.

Related Post: Ladies helping ladies get raises

Related Post: How to accidentally raise a feminist daughter

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Filed under Books, Gender

Ladies Helping Ladeeeez

This is what comes up when you google image "asking for a raise." Don't do this.

This is what comes up when you google image “asking for a raise.” Don’t do this.

So yesterday, my friend who we’ll call Moira, gchatted me with a question. She’d received an offer for a new job that she was super pumped to take but the money was not what she wanted, and based on her research, it wasn’t comparable to other similar positions. She asked me what to do, and I told her to ask for more, because that’s the best advice anyone has given me in these situations.

I like this conversation because for once, I got to play the helpful mentor role instead of the “shit, how do I ask for a raise???” role, which I have played many times (and published here). I have done this successfully exactly once, and it was hellllla hard, so it felt really good to be able to take my learnings and pass them on.

I share it with you now (with Moira’s permission) because I think it illustrates so many of the common issues that people (especially ladies) face when they go to have this conversation. In general (massive generalities coming…) we want to be liked, we don’t want to rock the boat, we don’t want to be thought pushy or, God forbid, bitchy. Research shows that women who act aggressively at work are actually penalized. In other words, being personally disliked by coworkers doesn’t hurt men professionally, but it does impede women’s career progression.

So, the question remains, how to do it? Here’s one example. Kids, this is as real as it gets, proven by my poor spelling and lack of capitalizations:

Moira: hey :) Happy Monday! How are you?

me: great!

thanks, you?

Moira: Would you happen to have a moment to answer a question?

me: sure, what’s up?

Moira: So, I’m super-excited about this new job

and like, ready to take the offer

but I’ve read so much about women being silly about negotiation

me: ! yes, i know right!

i feel that way too

Moira: that I was trying to figure out if I should put out feelers about the salary offer

before taking it

me: yes, you absolutely should

Moira: okay

me: the worst thing that happens

is that they say they can’t do it

but no one is going to take the offer away

it’s really scary :-) but it’s SUCH a good thing to practice doing

Moira: okay.

me: when i tried, with my first job at this company

they said no, but they offered me a performance review after 3 months, to reevaluate

and i got a small raise at that point, that took me to my initial request

Moira: nice

me: but definitely ask for it

they expect you to

Moira: okay

is it better to do that by phone or by email?

me: hmmm

i think email is easier

Moira: I do, too

me: and then maybe end your email with “feel free to give me a call to discuss further”

or something like that

Moira: Okay. What language did you use to discuss specifics? It sounds like you made a specific counter-proposal

me: I think I said something like “thanks for the offer, blah blah blah, i’m so excited blah blah blah. I’ve reviewed the details of the offer more since we last spoke/emailed…

“Given my skills xyz, I’m looking for something closer to the X-X range. Based on my research, that seems comparable to similar roles available.”

“I’m extremely excited about hte chance to do blah blah blah, and I think I’m a perfect fit for this role”

and then finish with the invitation for a call to further discuss

Moira: Okay

that is super-helpful

me: also, for what it’s worth, go look up some salaries for analysts or whatever role

Moira: well the thing is I’ve been contacted by several companies

who named ranges up to 20K higher

me: yeah

Moira: i mean, who knows

me: good

so aim high

Moira: but that’s where I’m getting my numbers

me: perrfect

*perfect

THE NEXT DAY

Moira: It worked :)

me: !!!!!

that is amazing

Moira: They upped it by almost 10%

you are AWESOME

thank you so much

me: i am so proud of you and me together

Moira: :)

me: so cool!

Asking for the raise in your first negotiation is one piece of what sets you up for financial success down the line. Not only is it good practice, but it literally translates into higher income in your future. Imagine you are offered $40K, and you take it. Another newbie (perchance a dude), gets offered $40K as well. He asks for $50K, they scoff, but offer him $44K. He’s making $4K more than you, simply because he asked! And when your first round of performance reviews roll around, and you both ask for a 10% raise, you now make $44 and he makes $48.4! The gap only widens!

Related Post: How to Ace an Interview

Related Post: How I got my raise.

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Filed under Gender

Sunday Scraps 81

1. NASHVILLE: My new favorite soapy music dramz, Nashville, is written by Callie Khouri (who wrote Thelma and Louise). She’s interviewed by NYMag about feminism, country music, and Connie Britton.

2. SEX: In light of new movie The Sessions, Slate has an interview with a real life sex surrogate. I’m on board with this concept, but I’m skeptical that it would be treated with the same clinical approach when women are the ones seeking help with intimacy…

3. TAILOR: A holocaust survivor, Martin Greenfield, now makes suits for the President. America, sometimes pretty cool after all.

4. ELECTION: From ChartPorn, a map of the U.S. where the states are reshaped proportional to campaign spending.

5. BILL: Bill Maher is really not my cup of tea, but sometimes he gets it right. In this clip, he nails Romney to the tree of his most batshit, conservative peers.

6. ANITA: My girl Anita Sarkeesian of Feminist Frequency is interviewed by Global News about that whole time when the internet went crazy and threatened to kill/rape/beat her for researching video games and violence.

Related Post: Sunday 80: Colbert in Playboy, Leslie Gore’s PSA, Iceland’s constitution, etc.

Related Post: Sunday 79: Harper Lee, Oprah, the Clintons, etc.

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Filed under Gender, Hollywood, Media, Politics, Really Good Writing by Other People, Sex

Perfect Storm: Versailles, Tiny House, Concord and DeLillo

If I’m not careful, this post will come off as nothing more than a fawning review of Lauren Greenfield’s new documentary The Queen of Versailles. For you Chicagoans, it’s at The Music Box and you should absolutely go see it right now. It’s about the Siegels, a richer-than-God Florida couple who are building the biggest house in American in 2008, right as the market tanks.

Here’s the official trailer:

When was the last time you saw a piece of art or heard a piece of music that stuck with you days later? I can’t shake this movie from my brain; everything else I read or see seems to echo one of its themes, images, lines.

I’m reading Don DeLillo’s White Noise, and each passage about consumer culture, Americana, perceptions of luxury, etc is reverberating extra hard against the backdrop of Versailles. Then, I read this great New Yorker essay (sadly behind a paywall) about Concord, MA, and the town’s weird peccadillos around wealth and showmanship, and the Versailles bells started bellowing again. And then, this finance newsletter I get had a story about the tiny house movement, about a couple that downsized into 128 square feet in pursuit of the things that truly made them happy. Ding ding ding!

I love this feeling; it’s what I felt like I was always pursuing in college. When the reading from one class informed the lecture of another, and both of those added layers of nuance to the novel I was reading, and all of that seemed related to dining hall convo. It’s a rare but magical perfect storm and I feel like I’m right in the middle of one right now. Crossing my fingers that it lasts for a while.

This intersection of material is all about happiness, finding it, affording it, keeping it, sharing it. How do you tell which path or paths will lead there? Can you buy it? Can you buy access to it? Do I have any answers? Of course not, I’m just enjoying the questions.

Related Post: Another perfect storm, Hans Rosling and Cloud Atlas.

Related Post: Another perfect storm, tigers and grandparents.

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Filed under Art, Books, Chicago, Family, Media

Oh, for the love of education

Meet Virginia Foxx. Sadly, I couldn’t find a porn star who shared her name, and trust me, I looked. Come on, internet, help a sister out!

Congresswoman Virginia Foxx (R-NC)

Virginia Foxx is a Republican Congresswoman from North Carolina. She is also the chairwoman on the house Subcommittee on Higher Education and Workforce Training. Pretty badass, right? Here’s what she said on a recent radio show:

“I have very little tolerance for people who tell me that they graduate with $200,000 of debt or even $80,000 of debt because there’s no reason for that. We live in an opportunity society and people are forgetting that. I remind folks all the time that the Declaration of Independence says ‘life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.’ You don’t sit on your butt and have it dumped in your lap.”

Isn’t that fun? Just as an aside, let’s remember that she graduated from UNC in 1968. The rate of college tuition has far exceeded the rate of inflation, so this is not just a simple case of “back in the day a soda cost a nickel.”

Let’s give Ms. Foxx the benefit of the doubt and assume that her bottom line is more students getting more education. After all, if that’s not her goal, than perhaps this particular subcommittee is not such a great fit. With that in mind, what do you make of her comments?

Here’s one perspective, which I’m going to offer with the opening caveat that I know I am very, very lucky. I have two parents with advanced degrees. I went to a top ten private University that cost about $45K per year. I graduated in four years. For the first half of college, I worked one job 12 hours per week. For the second half of college, I worked two jobs for a combined 20 hours per week. I also made the Dean’s list. The combined debt shared between my (generous) parents and me is upwards of $60K.

Now, did I have to go to a top ten school? No. The University of Massachusetts is a very reputable institution and would have cost me a fraction of the price. But, let’s not pretend there are not substantial advantages to going to the “best” colleges you can get into (a distinction I’m well aware is subjective).

The undergrad alma maters of our current Supreme Court justices are Harvard, Georgetown, Stanford, Stanford, Holy Cross, Cornell, Princeton, Princeton, Princeton. The most commonly held Bachelor’s degree in the 111th Congress? Harvard. Is politics the only arena in which to be successful? Of course not, but look across leadership platforms in virtually any industry, and you will see top-tier, expensive college degrees. In other words, we are not wrong to encourage students to shoot for the stars. More importantly, we are not wrong to encourage poor students to shoot for the stars. And at the moment, the stars tend to cost a lot of money.

Do we think that state universities provide the same caliber of education as elite private colleges? U.S. News and World Report (one of many list-makers) doesn’t have a single public school in its top 20. To be comfortable with that path, we need public schools to be provide the same level of opportunity as their private peers. And some do. But, what if you’re a stellar student who lives in a state without a stellar state run university system? Your choices are to pay out of state tuition to a well-regarded state school (with loans), pay private tuition (with loans), or suffer your not-so-great in-state option.

I’m starting to ramble, I know. So let me summarize: Ms. Virginia Foxx, we can all agree that the higher education needs some serious revamping. We need high caliber programs and training available to more students at a cost that doesn’t bankrupt families. But, that is no excuse for the  tsk tsk-ing, condescending, finger-pointing bullshit you just pulled. Do not think that students and families enter into that kind of debt lightly. Your “tolerance” is the last thing on their minds when they are facing some pretty tough decisions.

Related Post: Alfie Kohn sums up all the problems with test-based education.

Related  Post: Matt Damon and his mom on school reform.

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Filed under Education, Politics

Happy Equal Pay Day

Lily Ledbetter shakes hands with President Obama

In 1996, the National Committee on Equal Pay started Equal Pay Day to draw attention to the chronic problem of the wage gap (which is currently at 77.4 cents). In short, the wage gap measures the difference in average pay of a full-time, year-round male worker, and a full-time, year-round female worker.

Consequently, it does account for women taking maternity leave (since they would not be year-round) and it does account for women working part-time or flexible schedules (because they would not be full-time).

It does not account for a few things:

  1. Inequalities in who does what type of jobs (i.e. more women are kindergarten teachers, kindergarten teachers make something between squat and diddly).
  2. Inequalities that are derived from time off that was taken in the past for maternal or child care. (i.e. you took time off last year to have a baby, and relatedly, your promotion was delayed until you’ve “caught up.”)
  3. Inequalities that are derived from negotiating differences (i.e. You and a dude were both offered $50K. You asked for $55K and got $52K, he asked for $60K and got $55K. Now he makes $3K more than you and don’t you feel dumb.)

These are not easy problems to solve. They are wrapped up in stigmas and stereotypes, folded into a cocoon of misguided protectionism, and nested in some baloney “science.”

So how should you celebrate this Equal Pay Day? Do two things. First, listen to the Lily Ledbetter NPR interview. Second, go here and figure out how much money you want to be making. Then, add $15K to account for the disservice you probably did yourself when you estimated. Then go ask for a raise.

Related Post: How to Ace an Interview.

Related Post: Josh says that in jobland, it’s about the cheddar.

6 Comments

Filed under Education, Gender, Politics

The Raise

I got the raise. 

More importantly, I asked for the raise. The asking is the big deal, the getting is just icing.

We’ve talked a lot about how difficult it can be for some women to feel capable of asking for recognition of awesomeness, even when well-deserved. Obviously, this is not true of all women, and obviously, many men may also feel uncomfortable with these (frankly, uncomfortable) conversations.

But, women are generally encouraged by society (think all media everywhere) to be pleasers. There’s nothing wrong with pleasing people (it’s a good thing, right?), but there is something wrong with teaching one gender to pursue his dreams and shoot for the stars and all that jazz, and teaching the other gender to make sure people like her.

So I asked for a raise. Was it a little awkward and stilted? Yes. Did I blush and stammer? Yes. Did I make my case? Yes. In the end, on the other side of the 20 minutes of discomfort, I got the raise, and it’s a big one. So what did I learn?

1. Talk to boys: I love my lady friends, and they are a brilliant, ambitious bunch. But, they are also ladies like me who have, despite attempts to avoid it, absorbed a lot of societal lessons about propriety and likeability. Talk to your male friends and ask them for details. What language did they use? How did they prepare? Beyond mechanics, talk about how they see themselves in relation to their jobs and their salaries. See this chat with Josh to understand what I mean.

2. Think about timing: Is there a natural point in your work cycle to have this conversation? I framed mine around our anual performance review, which was ideal because we had just finished discussing all of the good work I’d done. If you don’t have an anual review, ask for one (it’s pretty standard). You could also consider bringing it up right after you’ve completed a big project, or when you’ve just received some recognition for recent success. The point is, you want your boss to be thinking about how valuable you are when you bring up the dollars.

3. Do your research: How much are other people in your company making? Awkward convos? For damn sure, but if you’ve got friends, the sharing can become conspiratorially worthwhile for everyone. How pissed will you be if someone doing the same job is making more simply because they asked? The point is not to pull a petty “But Sally in accounting makes XYZ!”, but to come armed with knowledge about how you’re being compensated compared to your peers. Is what you’re asking for reasonable? Are you overshooting everyone by 20%?

4. Threaten to walk: Don’t actually threaten to walk. Mentioning other options is as good as reminding your supervisor that you are always looking out for yourself (which you should be). I went with something along the lines of “I’ve done some research into similar positions at our peer companies, and it seems like $XYZ is within the standard range for this kind of job at my level.” Except imagine that with more “ums” and “uhs” and a red face.

5. Set the stage: I started the conversation with the performance review, and asked if now was a good time to discuss the potential for a raise. Nobody wants to have that conversation when your boss is super rushed or in a pissy mood. As an added bonus, my boss and I were stuck in a car for hours in the Philly ‘burbs. Nothing like a confined space for a convo between coworkers!

6. Have a number: After I broached the subject, my boss asked point blank what I had in mind. I fumbled. You won’t, because you’ll be more prepared. I came up with a range that fit the above criteria (#s 3 and 4) after a moment of faux-thoughtful soul-searching (read: scrambling). He nodded and considered it seriously. No laughing in my face, no guffaws, no eye-rolls or “are you crazies?” I mean, I didn’t expect those things….. but I kind of did!

7. Debrief: Regardless of how your raise conversation goes, if you have a good relationship with your supervisor, take a minute on the end of it to talk about the conversation itself. Presumably, your supe has been around a few more years, and has probably had to have this conversation on their own behalf. After my conversation, I confessed to my boss I had never asked for a raise before. He gave me some pointers! If the conversation doesn’t go well, set yourself up for another review in 3 or 6 months, and establish some goals that you can work towards to increase your odds next time.

Related Post: Speak up, or else.

Related Post: Are millennial ladies quitters?

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Filed under Gender

Josh: “In jobland you’re straight makin’ cheddar”

Yesterday, I wrote about the Clay Shirkey essay on gender, ambition, and being a douchebag. Short version: Being an arrogant asshole will land you in jail more often, but it will also land you big money/influence/power more often.

My friend Josh gchatted me about the article, and I think you might find the whole convo an interesting follow up to yesterday’s post:

josh: i read you’re post, it’s good
me: what post?
josh: the being cocky post
me: ah
  yeah
  i need to figure out how to do that
  before i try asking for a raise
josh: “we both know that i’m the shit, give me more to do and more money to do it”
me: yes, that’s the atttitude
  but i literally don’t know what words to say
josh: turn each of those clauses into like 4 sentences a peice
me: lol
josh: don’t use “I think” or “I could/would”
  use I am, I will
me: i need to practice
josh: maybe that would help
   but that’s just an admission that you have something to be nervous about
me: well, that’s how i feel!
josh: and when you’re confident, you’re not nervous about shit
 yeah, but you shouldn’t be
  you’re not going to get fired for asking for more responsibility, so there are no stakes
  and when there are no stakes, there’s nothing to worry about
me: that is the most male thing i’ve ever heard
  because in girl land
  there are stakes
  and the stakes are
  what if they don’t like me?
josh: yeah, but that doesn’t make sense in jobland
me: i realize this is EXACTLY the point of Shirkey’s essay
  i don’t want to be seen as arrogant
  or overstepping
josh: in jobland you’re straight makin’ cheddar
me: right
  it’s just a hurdle that i have to get over
  and i will
  and if he thinks i’m being arrogant, well, it doesn’t actually matter
josh: yeah man
me: easier said than done
 um… can i copy this convo into a blog post? at least the part of it at the end?
josh: oh, sure
me: cool
 it illustrates so clearly the exact difference i was talking about!
josh: yeah i see it
me: you see no stakes, i see public perception stakes
josh: what matters re: a boss is ultimately their perception of you as a hustler
  and you will be displaying that
me: this is obvious to you, it’s not obvious to everyone
kj
So what did we learn? 
1. It’s dangerous being my friend… I’ll take your gchats public.
2. In Josh’ world, stakes are purely professional. In my world, stakes are both professional and social. I want to be successful, but I also want to be liked. I want my smiling face and positive attitude to be a conduit to promotion, but that’s not really how it works. Arrogance, ambition, and a little bravado are better bets, even if those qualities impact my popularity. I suspect that those traits aren’t as admired in women as they are in men. The question is, am I will to dock myself the team-player points which make me well-liked in favor of a few BAMF points that might leader to bigger and better things?
kj
Related Post: Are millenial ladies quitters? What an idiotic article.
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Related Post: Advice from unlikely sources, like this make-up artist!

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Filed under Gender

I want to be an arrogant, self-aggrandizing jerk or a pompous blowhard!

Four people sent me this essay by Clay Shirkey, “A Rant About Women.” It’s from January 2010, but in one of the peculiar patterns of internet popularity, it made its way to my desk last week. Shirkey is a professor at NYU, and his rant begins with a student’s request for a rec letter. Shirkey’s concern, one that I share, is that “not enough women have what it takes to behave like arrogant self-aggrandizing jerks.”

There is no upper limit to the risks men are willing to take in order to succeed, and if there is an upper limit for women, they will succeed less. They will also end up in jail less, but I don’t think we get the rewards without the risks….

And it looks to me like women in general, and the women whose educations I am responsible for in particular, are often lousy at those kinds of behaviors, even when the situation calls for it. They aren’t just bad at behaving like arrogant self-aggrandizing jerks. They are bad at behaving like self-promoting narcissists, anti-social obsessives, or pompous blowhards, even a little bit, even temporarily, even when it would be in their best interests to do so. Whatever bad things you can say about those behaviors, you can’t say they are underrepresented among people who have changed the world.

I spent the weekend, as you know, in LA. I was visiting an old friend who’s making a go of it as a film composer in Hollywood. “I’m betting on my own talent,” he said, when we discussed his career path a few months ago, and he means it. He’s 24 and getting jobs left and right. Some of them he is eminently qualified for, some of them he isn’t.

He is doing exactly what Shirkey describes, stretching the truth of his abilities only as far as he is confident they will eventually stretch. He’s not making decisions based on what he’s capable of right now, but of what he’s confident he will be able to do. He’s doubling down on his ability to adapt, learn, and improve. I need to figure out how to do this.

I’m trying to figure out how to ask for a raise, and this attitude expressed by Shirkey and my friend does not come naturally to me. I would say, “I’ve earned this incremental increase because  I work hard and do a good job”. They would say, “Give me more because I am really awesome and you want to keep me around”.

I would say, “I’m really good at this skill, but I plan on working on that skill”. They would say, “I’m really good at everything, I will only get better, and you better invest in me now before I take my superstar potential elsewhere”.

We started with the Shirkey essay, so let’s finish there: What I do know is this: it would be good if more women see interesting opportunities that they might not be qualified for, opportunities which they might in fact fuck up if they try to take them on, and then try to take them on. It would be good if more women got in the habit of raising their hands and saying “I can do that. Sign me up. My work is awesome,” no matter how many people that behavior upsets.

Related Post: Speak up, or else. Advice from Whitney Johnson.

Related Post: Mika Brzezinksi was making 14 times less than her coworkers.

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Filed under Education, Gender, Really Good Writing by Other People