Tag Archives: OkCupid

How to Have a Conversation on a First Date (Or: How Not to Have a Conversation on a First Date)

Today’s Role/Reboot post comes to you inspired by the following Facebook exchange:


I realized after I posted this that it might not be a gendered issue, but I don’t date women, so I really have no idea. There are probably lady-monologuers out there, too. That said, I do think there’s something about the economics of dating (especially online dating) wherein men are encouraged to try to impress, and women are encouraged to sit back and be impressed. The thing is, I’m mostly impressed by curiosity, which gets lost if you’re too busy telling a twenty minute story about CrossFit.


Related Post: Why online dating sucks for men.

Related Post: OkCupid by the numbers!

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Filed under Gender, Republished!

I Think I’m Doing OkCupid Wrong

This week for Role/Reboot, I did a little internal investigation on how I behave on online dating sites. We already know how I feel about gendered traditions once we’re actually on the date (i.e. Who pays?), but what about the sending of and responding to messages? Why do I sit back and wait? Is the answer really because it’s just so freaking easy? That seems like laziness to me, and no one should rest on their laurels when it comes to equalizing the playing field, least of all ladies who write about gender and equality on the internet…

onlinedatingRelated Post: Comparing dating to church.

Related Post: Guest post: the dangers of dating while freelancing


Filed under Gender, Republished!

Nicks, Davids and Mikes: OkCupid by the Numbers

I’ve tried to count and tally the last two years of okcupid dates with limited success, so here’s a different approach. Still can’t remember who Paul is….

Parents during the 80s were not super creative. Can you guess which guys weren't white?

Parents during the 80s were not super creative.

While my roommate makes fun of me for consistently visiting the same four restaurants, the data would suggest otherwise (though I do obviously have favorites):

Restaurants2For you Chicagoans, that looks something like this:

Dates - Google MapsAnd now, most important of all:

kissed?Related Post: OkCupid had a kickass blog

Related Post: An OkCupid message contest


Filed under Chicago

Litany Part 2

And this isn’t even half of it…

A while back, I wrote a post influenced by a Modern Love column and a book with an excellent title. The post chronicled a series of dates with just a sentence or two apiece. It’s amazing how easy it is to forget two hours of stranger talk the minute you walk out the door.

You may have seen the picture at right already on Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Thingsbut it just fits so well. A few more recent entries….

Ate tacos with a teddy bear of a guy who distributed beer in Chicago for a Brooklyn brewery. As a parting gift, he gave me two bottles of a new line out of the trunk of his car.

Bearded lumberjack in red flannel and a newsboy who had just moved to Chicago. Worked as a developer for one of the Chicago papers.

He was 22, but I went with it because,… well, why not? Spent most of college commuting to Chicago for school so he could take care of his grandmother in Indiana. Lots of tattoos, spoke with a lisp, reminded me several times that he had lots of older friends.

An extremely attractive Indian-American doctor who worked 90 hours a week and was mostly fascinated by the story of my parents’ relationship. “I’ve always been fascinated by divorce,” he said.

A 34-year-old graphic designer raised by his mom and two sisters. He didn’t drink at dinner because he was training for a muy thai fight that weekend.

Thai lunch with a 33-year-old guy two weeks before he moved back to Los Angeles. We mostly talked about his multi-racial “Benetton ad” family and Chicago segregation.

Two dates with a short contractor with the same name as my dad. Too bad I wasn’t feeling it, the third date was going to be pumpkin carving.

Three dates with a 36-year-old divorced trader. Well, three dates if you count the beer we had at the airport after meeting on the orange line. He wore a lot of jewelry and all his Facebook photos were of him skiing.

Related Post: Litany Pt. 1

Related Post: The break-up museum


Filed under Chicago

Sweet Potato Fries

This week at Role/Reboot, I wrote about one of my favorite subjects, online dating! I know, I know, I just have so many opinions on the subject that I just can’t help myself. My focus this week was how to actually have a good time on the date itself. Key words: low pressure + honesty.

Related Post: My piece for GMP on happier hunting on the interwebz.

Related Post: An OkCupid message contest.

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Filed under Gender, Republished!, Sex

Cradle-Robbers, Sugar Daddies, MILF-Hunters, Cougars… Where to Draw the Lines?

Wage gap? How about the age gap?*

This week on the GMP I attempted to address these crucial dating questions: How old is too old? How young is too young? Incorporating horrifying OkCupid data (i.e. I’m over-the-hill at 23…) and internet lore about finding the sweet spot, I arrived at my definition of my range. I called it “life stage compatibility.” I even managed a 30Rock “Milf Island” reference, so go have a read.

*Kidding… the wage gap is some serious business.

Related Post: Kudret wrote a great guest post about aging into her body and growing more confident.

Related Post: More OkCupid data about how we change over time. This one correlates body image and sex drive.

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Filed under Gender, Republished!

Happier Hunting

Today at the Good Men Project I’m covering the exciting world of online dating with five handy rules for happier hunting. Among other things, I address the ubiquitous photobooth profile series, ab shots, how to address your Trekkie love and why online dating is fundamentally unfair.

Read on!

Related Post: More from the GMP, why online dating (and tech heavy dating in general) leave something to be desired…

Related Post: Hilarious messages from OkCupid + some of the fun findings from OkTrends data


Filed under Gender, Republished!

“Absolute Sovereignty in Your Nether Regions”: An OkCupid Message Contest

This came up in a search for "online dating."

In the spirit of Gawker’s most annoying online-dating break-up email, I bring you two examples of this week’s most ridiculous online-dating pick-up messages:

I received this note, which I have printed verbatim:

If you willing spend time running with me and stretch after for hours. I am in to on getting to know you at this time. Also, not pushy on having sex but more willing on getting to know me as a human being and what I represent. Help me to help you to for fill your self as a human and it goes the same for me as well. If you feel what I just stayed, let me know and if you think I am crazy…
Good luck, XXXX

I thought I would win the best message of the day contest (which doesn’t really exist), until I sent it to another online dating friend and she promptly left me in the dust:

I came across your profile and was wondering if you accept an engagement of witty banter between two intellectuals. Of course this engagement may start off as purely platonic, but my sensual desires will most likely guide our cohesive unity down more erotic, lascivious, and sexual paths that will include but not limited to rump pounding, sperm warfare, sexual acts involving food, and an abundance of new unchartered sexual positions where I assert my pure dominance in establishing a realm of absolute sovereignty in your nether regions. I look forward to hearing for from you. :) Don’t keep me waiting babe.

My friend’s response: Does that ever work?

Dude: I guess not on you.

She wins. Can you rival it?

Related Post: This batshit crazy text from an now ex-friend rivals the OkCupid messages….

Related Post: Speaking of looking for love online, I wrote a whole piece about what we lose when we miss the face-to-face


Filed under Gender, Sex

It Used to Involve Fewer Emoticons

I’ve written a piece for The Good Men Project today called “Remember When Courting Happened Face-to-Face?” that accomplishes the following:

  • Admits that I’m online dating
  • Brags about how many times I’ve been asked out
  • Waxes poetic about the good old days (which I do not remember)
  • Overuses the word “awkward” (which I find really does not have a great synonym)

Go there. Read it. Then read the crazy comments that it will no doubt incite. Let’s hope that at least one commenter mentions kegels, because that was soooo fun last time.

Related Post: Speaking of dating…some notes on the moment when the bill arrives.

Related Post: OkCupid does some pretty neat stuff with data. Behold.


Filed under Media, Republished!

“Curvy”/”Skinny”: Sex Drive vs. Confidence

Whether you’re into online dating or not, the OKCupid Blog OkTrends should be on everybody’s must-read list. OkTrends makes up for its sparse posting schedule with amazing content analyzing the messages, preferences, habits and opinions of 1,000,000+ users. Among the latest charts to come from this goldmine of human behavior:

First, clarifying our terms: Green represents women who self-identify as “skinny” (note: this is distinctive from “thin,” a different self-reported category), and yellow is the self-identified “curvy” group (distinct from “a little extra” or “full-figured”). Yellow is a bigger dot to reflect the larger pool of women.

This graph correlates sex-drive and self-confidence across time for these two groups of women:

  • At 18: Skinny women have slightly above average self-confidence, but slightly below average sex drive, while curvy women are exactly the reverse, slightly low self-esteem, slightly high sex drive.
  • At 30: Both groups are reasonably self-confident, but the sex-drive of the curvy women is twice as high.
  • At 40: Curvy women are more confident with higher sex drives, a stasis that remains until both groups’ sex drives tank by 60.

Does this mean that curvy women are better in bed or like sex more? No. As OkTrends points out, “Curvy, as a word, has the strongest sensual overtones of all our self-descriptions. So we’re getting a little insight into the real-world implications of a label.” So basically, it comes down to choosing your label. Women who pick “curvy” among the myriad of similar labels will likely also have above-average sex drives. We’ve got correlation but not causation.

Here’s my theory: There’s evidence that links self-esteem and body confidence to better/more satisfying sex. This makes intuitive sense to me, fewer body hang-ups = willingness to look silly = open to experimentation  = higher likelihood of enjoyment = wanting to do it more. I think the selection of “curvy” over the other label choices and higher sex drive are both consequences of the a third variable… basic body confidence.

Related Post: More linguistic play around the “plus size” demographic. Thanks Tyra!

Related Post: See, body confidence is hot as hell!

Related Post: More thoughts on online dating. Who pays? And does it matter? (yes)


Filed under Body Image, Really Good Writing by Other People, Sex